Instructional Coaching with Teachers Who Don’t Want Your Help

If you’re new to coaching this year, you may have recently discovered that there are some ​teachers who just don’t want you around​.

If you’re not new to coaching, you already knew that. But that doesn’t make you feel any better about it!

I’ve had lots of stressful, awkward interactions with teachers who were just not interested in my support.

Some of them were pretty up-front about it.

“I think we need to listen to people who are IN the classroom.”

Some weren’t.

“Oh, yes! I totally forgot about our meeting.”

Mm-hmm. But we’ve rescheduled three times.

I totally get how you feel. It hurts your heart when your whole job is about supporting teachers – and they don’t want your support.

How do you make change happen in classrooms that slam the door in your face? (That might be figurative…or it might not be.)

Here are three things I do when a teacher just doesn’t like me. I hope one of them helps you change the trajectory of your relationship with a ​challenging teacher​!

Idea # 1: I Find something to like in the teacher who’s refusing my help.

Building a relationship with teachers like this is hard, but it’s worked for me before. If I can find something to like – and sometimes, I’ve honestly had to dig deep – it can change my interactions with the teacher. It’s really hard when people have been downright rude or sneaky, but I believe there is something to like in every person, if we look hard enough and try to take our own feelings out of it.

It can be professional or personal. I’ve even imagined a backstory for people to help me have compassion for them. I know it sounds weird, but it works. Here are a few things I’ve found to like in teachers who don’t like me. These are real examples from five different teachers:

• They are kind to their own personal children.
• They work hard with specific students.
• They get their lesson plans turned in on time.
• They hug their students.
• They bake things for others and share them generously.

Do some of these things sound flimsy? Maybe, but it’s a starting point. Once you find something to like, remind yourself of it often and think about it when you interact with the teacher. It can change your mindset.

Use that as a starting point to building a relationship with the teacher, even if it just starts out with sharing a muffin recipe. This work can take time, but it can pay off.

Listen to Instructional Coaching with Ms. B: Building Relationships with Teachers to learn more!

Idea #2: Clarify your instructional coaching role.

This requires a fairly frank conversation. You can ask, “What do you perceive my role here to be?” and see what the teacher says. Depending on their response, you can affirm or clarify.

If they say something that hurts your feelings, try to take a step back and imagine where that’s coming from. Could they have heard a rumor? Could you have made a mistake (we all have)? Could they have had a bad experience in the past?

It’s important to be specific. If they think your role is to “tell them what to do” or to “give them resources,” you’ll want to make sure you clarify. Your role isn’t to tell anyone what to do; rather it’s to support them in finding ways to meet their students’ needs and the many demands of being a teacher.

Then dig in to what that looks like. Offer them several choices for support. You can use a coaching menu or other tool – having something in writing is best. Ask them which kind of support they’d like to start with. Set a date.

Listen to Defining Your Role for Instructional Coaching to learn more!

Idea #3: Start with the teacher’s goal.

Instead of looking at the classroom and deciding on what you think you need to start on, ask the teacher about the challenges they’re having in the classroom. Use those challenges to set a goal.

That means that, even if you see that management is an issue (a big one), you may have to start working on generating ideas for writing, or using context clues because that’s what the teacher says their kids are struggling with.

If the teacher starts to complain, turn those complaints into an opportunity by saying you can support them in finding some ways to work through it together. Set a date.

Listen to Getting Teachers to Initiate Coaching Cycles to learn more!

These three things have really helped me in working with teachers who don’t want me around. I truly hope they make a difference for you in your coaching!

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