Why Twilight Stinks

I know this post will have consequences.

I have already been informed that I may lose followers.

Sometimes it’s important to take a stand.

The other day, my friend texted me and asked, “Wanna go watch Twilight ironically?”

If he had asked me to watch it sincerely, I would have said no. Oh, save it. I gave it a chance.

I gave it four chances, by which I mean I read all four books. Why did I read all four when I didn’t enjoy the first one?

I was waiting for something to happen.

Something like Bella developing a personality.

It didn’t.

So, although it only took me a few days over the summer, I feel like that time was pretty much poorly spent.

I hadn’t seen any of the movies. I figured they were cheesy.

Until this one.

I know I didn’t exactly approach it with a good attitude. Instead of thinking, “Now’s my chance to see what this is all about,” I was thinking, “Now’s my chance to see that I’m right and this is ridiculous.”

Yes, that could have colored my thinking, but I think I still would have identified these reasons why Twilight stinks.

1. You could see the makeup on Edward’s face. Nuff said.

2. During the werewolf summit, I felt like I was watching a Disney movie. They were snarling and snapping and growling and speaking telepathically and it was still so cute.

3. Bella still doesn’t have a personality aside from self-loathing. Edward’s only character trait is old. That’s it. He’s old. He’s like two hundred years old and he still enjoys spending his time with sixteen-year-olds? I don’t even like spending time with sixteen-year-olds and it hasn’t been that long since I’ve been one.

4. When Edward dramatically declares to everyone that the other wolves can’t hurt someone who’s been imprinted on, and he says, “It’s their most important law,” I heard “It’s their mostest importantest law.”

5. Can you say green screen? In some scenes, it looked like they were standing in front of a movie about a beach. Didn’t they have budget?

6. Aren’t the vampires supposed to be gorgeous? Isn’t that the point of the whole series? Rule number one of vampire movies – vampires are hot. Ummm…I didn’t see too much to look at. Alice was the only one who didn’t look like she was wearing a wig. Carlyle looked like he should have been part of a Swedish Eurokid band, and Esme had a fivehead. Seriously, like she ran into a wall or something.

What bothers me about all this is that everyone acts like there was so much hotness to drool over. I don’t know. Jacob and Edward look like little boys.

When Jacob is strategizing with the Cullens, my friend turned to me and loudly said, “For military strategists, they sure are gossipy.”

So I’m sorry if this means you hate me. I had to speak the truth.

To further illustrate my point so eloquently, visit The Oatmeal and find out How Twilight Works.

To make it better, I have a freebie for you! Yay!

Happy New Years!